When I was trying to make the decision to place or single parent I felt like some family members were keeping their distance. I remember when I was home from Colorado visiting my family in December of 2011 my mom came into my room and asked me what I was doing? I remember looking at her and saying I am not sure and that this is not easy. She acknowledged that she had no idea what I was going through and she also added that she is standing back because she did not want to influence my decision one way or the other because she did not want me to look back and blame her or anyone else for which ever decision I made. Then I looked at her and I said "mom that is great and you don't have to worry I don't plan on blaming anyone I plan on taking full responsibility for either decision I make but right now I need a mother." At that very moment things change for both of us but especially me. I took to heart what I said to my mom and I decided I did not want to be that bitter birth mom who sat back and blamed others. I wanted to fully accept whatever decision I was going to make. I wanted to cherish every moment I had with this little developing girl inside me and I wanted to decide what life I wanted her to have. A home with a mother and father, but not only that, a home where the gospel was taught and they could be sealed together for time and all eternity. I had to accept the decision I was about to make and I can say honestly to this day I have fully accepted my decision to place and I do not have any regrets.
With all of that said I can say that there are days where I wake up and I think to myself "Wow I had a child" it's like I was hit with it all over again. When this happens I take this thought and run with it. I feel as though it is a way for me to remember that beautiful day when I helped bring this beautiful little girl into the world and then it reminds me of the beautiful and bittersweet day when I signed the papers to relinquish my rights from being her mom. I cherish those two days I had with her when she was mine. I remember those moments so well and I think when this thought comes to me it is my heart and mind telling me that I will never forget these moments but that I must move on and continue my life. I must accept my decision and I can humbly say I do accept my decision.
"Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her." – Lao Tzu
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