B is for Boundaries

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” Henry Cloud

Personal boundaries are guidelines, rule, or limits that I create based off my past experiences and beliefs. From the day that I found out I was pregnant and continuing daily I have set boundaries.  I have learned a lot and continue to learn a lot since becoming a birth mom. One thing I have learned is that I will come across those who do not understand, accept, or care to learn about adoption.  Ever since the beginning of my journey after placement I was careful who I spoke with about it but I I felt like I was not being fair to myself and even other birth moms out there.  How will the beautiful message be spread about adoption if no one talks about it? What if I lose friends when I talk openly about it though?  This is when an amazing blog post opened my eyes.  It talked about my soul house and who I will let in it, who I will let in my front yard, then across the street, and then in the next county, etc. 

What boundaries will I set and why let what others may think or feel determine my boundaries?  So things began to change.  I started creating my boundaries.  I began to notice that those who were not okay with my happiness and openness about my decision I placed outside my soul house.  Things started looking brighter for me.  Burdens were lifted off my shoulders.  I began to realize I do not have to please everyone.  I started seeing the difference in my life by setting boundaries.

I have also placed boundaries on who I let in.  Who I will share my journey of adoption with.  You need to gain my trust and respect before I share personal things with you.  I just realized how contradicting that is though because I am sharing it with the world.  I pray though that through my online journaling and sharing this with people I do not know they will be educated.  I pray that the single mother who just found out she is pregnant and feels hopeless comes across my blogs and realizes that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Set your boundaries.  Clean out your soul house.  Remove the unnecessary things and even people from your life that are causing you pain.  I have and I continue to do so and trust me its one of the best things I have ever done and will continue to do.

“Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relaitonship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.” Deborah Day

A is for Acceptance

When I was trying to make the decision to place or single parent I felt like some family members were keeping their distance.  I remember when I was home from Colorado visiting my family in December of 2011 my mom came into my room and asked me what I was doing?  I remember looking at her and saying I am not sure and that this is not easy.  She acknowledged that she had no idea what I was going through and she also added that she is standing back because she did not want to influence my decision one way or the other because she did not want me to look back and blame her or anyone else for which ever decision I made.  Then I looked at her and I said "mom that is great and you don't have to worry I don't plan on blaming anyone I plan on taking full responsibility for either decision I make but right now I need a mother."  At that very moment things change for both of us but especially me.  I took to heart what I said to my mom and I decided I did not want to be that bitter birth mom who sat back and blamed others.  I wanted to fully accept whatever decision I was going to make.  I wanted to cherish every moment I had with this little developing girl inside me and I wanted to decide what life I wanted her to have. A home with a mother and father, but not only that, a home where the gospel was taught and they could be sealed together for time and all eternity.  I had to accept the decision I was about to make and I can say honestly to this day I have fully accepted my decision to place and I do not have any regrets.

"Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her." – Lao Tzu

With all of that said I can say that there are days where I wake up and I think to myself "Wow I had a child" it's like I was hit with it all over again.  When this happens I take this thought and run with it.  I feel as though it is a way for me to remember that beautiful day when I helped bring this beautiful little girl into the world and then it reminds me of the beautiful and bittersweet day when I signed the papers to relinquish my rights from being her mom.  I cherish those two days I had with her when she was mine.  I remember those moments so well and I think when this thought comes to me it is my heart and mind telling me that I will never forget these moments but that I must move on and continue my life.  I must accept my decision and I can humbly say I do accept my decision.

P is for...

When I come across a word I like to look up it's definition, even if it is a common word and I already know its meaning.  I just like to make sure I truly understand its meaning.  I also like to look up synonyms of the word so I can understand the meaning even more.  

 Patience : quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence

The synonym that really hit home with me though was Fortitude

Fortitude: mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

Patience is something I had to learn in my journey with adoption, but through it all, I gained fortitude.  I had to learn to be patient and while developing this virtue as many say I realized the strength I had gained emotionally and mentally.  The decision I had made was a difficult one.  I struggled throughout my journey with the what ifs.  What if she grew to hate me because she felt like I didn't love her or what if the family that I chose didn't last?  I learned that these were things I could not dwell on.  I could not dwell on things that were out of my control.  I had to learn to let go and let things take its own course.  I had to learn to be patient.  You can't have patience without faith and you can't have faith without patience.  I had to have faith in my decision that I was doing what was best for me and my unborn child.  I had to have faith in something and someone greater than me that He would have His hand in all this.  I had to have PATIENCE!  I had to trust in Him.  I had to trust in the promptings that I felt when I found her parents.  I had to have PATIENCE! 

When I look at my journey I look back and I am in awe of the fortitude I was blessed with.  I know I was given this gift from my Father in Heaven.  He knew what I was about to face.  He knew the trials I was going to have along with my decision.  He knew I would lose friends a long the way because of my decision, but He also knew I would be blessed with so many new friends because of my decision.  He knew who two of the friends I would meet were and He blessed me with the knowledge of knowing that not only will they be my friends for eternity but they would be the parents to this wonderful little girl that I was about to bring into this world.  She was never mine and He blessed me in knowing this.  I was blessed with patience and I still am to this day.  Not a day goes by that I wonder what the future will hold, but I know that I have to live my life for me today.  I need to live in the present and not in the future.  My Heavenly Father will ensure that things work out the way they are meant to.

A month after I placed I was at church and our ward High Counselor gave an amazing talk about how to prepare for a marathon.  At this time I too was learning the beauty and healing power in running.  He read a scripture that stood out to me and I have carried it with me ever since.

 Hebrews 12:1 "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, 

The race is long and I must and will run with patience.